Tide Thinks It’s Cute And Sexy When Men Clean The House

Man-in-pink-cleaning-the-floor

What the fuck, Tide.

Really? What is this, the 1950s? Get yer shit together.

It’s not sexy when men do housework. It’s not hot. It’s not a turn-on.

It’s what they’re supposed to be doing to help their partner maintain a home.

Your attempt at being cute and funny was a total FAIL.

Check out Buzzfeed to see what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

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Flylady Helps Me Clean and Vomit Simultaneously

vintage-cleaningAs Thanksgiving approaches, I can’t help but obsess about a clean house.

I don’t care about the food. Food is easy.

But cleanliness is always an issue in my house. We have three kids and a dog — plus I’m pregnant and have no energy right now. So yes, my house is in constant disaster mode. We keep on top of it the best we can, but some things just have to slide while I’m pregnant. It’s frustrating, but I just have to deal.

Anyway, so all this thinking about cleaning made me think about that incredibly annoying website — Flylady.net. No really. Go there and check it out. Then come back and tell me how many times you threw up in your mouth.

If you’ve heard of Flylady, then I’m sure you know what I mean.

If you haven’t heard of Flylady, then well, you’re in for a treat.

Flylady is a website aimed at giving guidance to those poor, disorganized homemakers who live in filth — usually women — because did you see her website? It’s purple! Because women like purple!

She’s a big believer in “baby steps” — like say focusing on shining your sink everyday for a week, then moving onto doing a daily “swish and swipe” of your bathroom. After you get used to doing certain steps, you start building your cleaning routine. Also during this introductory phase, you’re called a “Flybaby.” Because that’s a cute name or something.

But first, she recommends that you sign up for her email group. So you can get daily reminders of what you need to do to maintain your house. Sounds helpful, right?

No. It’s really annoying. Most of the emails you’ll get are testimonials (probably written by Flylady herself) about how awesome the site is. You’ll get one or two emails a day reminding you to clean your sink and put on your shoes. And get this — make your bed. Which is just really dumb. I don’t need a reminder to do my dishes. My dirty sink is already staring me right in the fucking face. Oh and as for the shoes — well, she insists that you can’t do a good, thorough job cleaning your home unless you have shoes on. And not just shoes. Lace up sneakers!

And secondly. The name. Flylady. That’s really just NOT a good name.

Another issue is her trademarked logo — or mascot — or whatever you want to call it.

It’s a fucking lady. Dressed in purple. With purple hair. Dressed as a fly.

And need I say that flies are gross? Or maybe she’s not supposed to be a fly — just some purple lady with wings.

But yeah.

Oddly enough, as annoying as the site is — I did glean some good tips from it. Here’s what I learned after trudging through her purple, disorganized content.

1. Setting a timer while cleaning is helpful — usually for fifteen minutes — to help you focus.

2. Having a morning and nighttime routine is a good thing — but I don’t really abide by that. Cuz I’m a spontaneous kinda person, ya know?

3. Doing little things daily —  like doing a quick wipe-down of your bathrooms, and doing a load of laundry a day (for me it’s usually two loads) are actually good ideas.

4. And then she has something called the — ahem — “Weekly Home Blessing Hour.” I know. I know. I can’t wrap my mind around her fluffy, mid-western vocabulary. But whatevs. I call the Weekly Home Blessing Hour, the Day of Monotonous Cleaning That Sucks My Soul to the Pit of Despair. It goes something like this:

  • Choose a day of the week (Flylady likes Mondays but choose whatever the fuck you want.)
  • Do the following in 10 minute increments: vacuum, dust, quick mop, polish mirrors and doors, purge magazines and newspapers, change sheets, empty all trash cans. And you’re supposed to be done in an hour. Ha ha.
  • The point of the Day of Monotonous Cleaning That Sucks My Soul to the Pit of Despair is not to do a deep cleaning per say. But to do a weekly maintenance of your house/apartment. The problem with this is that my house is big. I have three bedrooms, and two bathrooms on the top floor (plus all the living areas), and three bedrooms, a bathroom, a playroom and a laundry room on the bottom floor. So this particular routine takes way longer than an hour. So now I just split up the tasks throughout the week. For example, Monday is sheet day, Tuesday is purge papers and empty trashcans day, on Wednesday I dust and polish mirrors, etc. You get the point.

So then, on top of this, Flylady posts a weekly zone. I think she has something like six zones or some shit. Anyway. The deep cleaning that you’re supposed to do is in that zone for the week. For example, zone one is the entrance, front porch and dining room. So you’re supposed to spend that particular week decluttering/cleaning your zone for at least fifteen minutes a day. And yes, you’re supposed to use your timer (which, by the way, you can buy an overpriced, cheap timer in her Flylady shop) and wear your sneakers.

And speaking of her overpriced Flylady shop, you can purchase the Swish and Swipe Package, and the Rubba Scrubba to assist in your cleaning endeavors (she also has a Rubba Swisha and a Rubba Sweepa!) I mean, fer realz — Rubba Scrubba? I can’t even… just… whatever.

It’s a bummer, because there are some good ideas buried in the site. And yes, these are all common sense ideas — but for a disorganized person like myself — it’s good to have some cleaning guidelines to help me. But for somebody who boasts about cleanliness and organization — Flylady’s site is ugly and disorganized. And her kitschiness is polarizing. I’m sorry, Flylady — but please don’t call me a Flybaby. Just stop that.

With a sleeker site minus the campy mid-western purple shit, and minus that weird Flylady mascot thingy — I really think her site could go really far. It’s garnered plenty of success and many followers — but mostly of the bless your heart, country kitsch variety.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Post-Christmas Cleaning Psychosis

English: "The Dedusting Pump", later...

There’s something about wanting to start anew when Christmas is over.

Yeah, I know. You’re saying, “Hey genius. Of course you want to start over. It’s the new year. What are ya, fuckin’ dumb?”

Yes, I realize my observation is cliché and less than brilliant. But whatevs. And to go off topic for a moment, whenever I write “whatevs,” autocorrect turns it into “wharves.”  Maybe it’s the universe telling me not to use such an god-awful word — or non-word.

Anyway, the house is filled to the brim with stuff. New stuff. Toys, books, things. The kids are happy. I’m content. And now I wanna clean all this shit up and organize the house. Make everything sparkly and pretty! Paint! Move furniture around!

This kind of mood only lasts so long, so I must take advantage.

Now I just need a game plan. I want to focus on one room at a time… so I’ve decided on Kiera’s room. My lovely 8-year-old daughter has to be the most whirlwind child out there. Her brain synapses are amazing. The problem with her wild creativity and general smartness is she moves from one thing to the next like the goddamn Tasmanian devil. Fer realz. It’s impossible to make that child sit still. Therefore her room is in constant disarray. Clothes, toys, little bits and pieces of art supplies, books. Everywhere.

I think she may have ADHD. But she has ADHD in the most delightful way. She’s lovely, gregarious, vocal, sensitive, stubborn, amazing. She’s my daughter so I can say these things. But these things are true. The down part is the mess — and my complete and utter exhaustion from dealing with such an exuberant child.

So yeah. Kiera’s room is first. Then the playroom — because Beckett has accumulated so many toddler toys that I feel like my life is swimming in bits of train sets, race cars and wooden blocks of assorted shapes and colors. God help me.

But my almost twelve-year-old son? That kid knows how to clean — maintaining the cleanliness is a whole other story, but when I ask him to clean, that boy breaks out the wood cleaner, glass cleaner, vacuum cleaner and broom and subsequently turns into a cleaning maniac until his room is an oasis among a sea of utter chaos.

Perhaps I could learn a thing or two from my oh-so-responsible son.

Let the cleaning begin.

House Rut

I’m in a house rut. This house. This six bedroom, three bathroom house. It’s a mess. It needs paint. It needs a few new pieces of furniture. It needs pictures for the walls.

It needs to be organized. Not crazy organized. I’m not one of those crazy organizers with pretty little boxes and files for everything — cuz that shit overwhelms me. When things are too organized, I start feeling this pressure to remain at that level of organization and then I just rebel and become a complete disaster.

No. I just want a nice, tidy, pretty house. Not perfect. Just tidy.

How do I do that? I’m really bad at sticking with cleaning schedules. I work full time. I’m fucking busy.

Can somebody PLEASE kick me in the ass so I can get started on this shit?

I feel like every time I clean, it just gets destroyed again by three kids and a dog.

Dirt.

Mud.

FILTH.

My mop bucket has been sitting outside by the back door for three weeks with dirty ol’ mop water in it. Yes. I know. I walk past it everyday and think, “Hmm. Yeah I should totally clean out that bucket.” And that’s about as far as I get. Cuz it’s cold outside. And I want to be warm and toasty inside.

But you know what? That’s my problem. I should stop my whining and get to it.

I’m going to go outside right this minute and empty that mop bucket.

I’ll let you know how it goes.