Yesterday was Mom Day. I’ve never been a big Mom Day celebrator. I’ve always kind of acknowledged it with a shrug. But now that I’m approaching my mid-thirties… I realize that I’m done. Done with that whole baby thing. And it’s made me a little more aware of my little humans… made me a bit more focused on the present. And a bit more thankful (yeah, cheesy but whatevs) for what I’ve got.
Ryan is wrapping up elementary school. He’s on the cusp of becoming a teenager and it scares the shit outta me. But it’s also exciting. He’s sensitive, silly and incredibly responsible. The typical first child. Of course I worry about him, but there’s something about him that gives me peace of mind. He’s so transparent. It’s easy to see his emotions… and he’s so open with me and Ernesto. That might change when he’s a teenager, but I strongly feel that his transparency is a part of his personality. I almost always know where he stands emotionally, and that’s very comforting.
Kiera — my girl. The super resilient one. At least that’s how she seems. The above picture captures that part of her that is more sensitive then she lets us see. And that’s why I worry about her most. She’s a bit more opaque. She’s got a mouth and lies quite frequently about little things… and has a tendency to get into all kinds of trouble. I don’t want to focus on all the negative things of course… she dramatic, hilarious, strong and intelligent. But things bother her more than what she let’s on. All her fears are an undercurrent that bubbles forth at night in the form of night terrors. So I worry… but I’m hopeful.
My Beckett — my little shining light. My little hope to make things right. What a lovely, curious, smart little soul. All my mistakes I made as a mother, I hope to make right with this little guy (not that I made super horrible mistakes, but still — mother’s guilt is always there). He’s going to have the benefit of two loving parents from the get go… something that my first two didn’t have until recently. He’s full of mischief and joy… too young yet to know any real fear. All he knows is that he gets pissed when he can’t have a cookie.
Ernesto and I watched Wings of Desire the other night. The narrator kept repeating the phrase, “When the child was a child.” And Beckett is just that. He still has the wonder and the big eyed awe of the world. Ryan and Kiera are starting to see the the realities. They’re children, but grown children.
So there are my brief thoughts. Sounds a bit depressing I suppose. But I think it’s only natural. As moms we tend to worry about our kids… see the vulnerable sides of them and hope for the best.
But in the end, I think they’ll be just fine.