In Their Own Words: Victims of Verbal Abuse

The following are the words of women who have responded to my posts about verbal abuse. You can read the posts here and here. Some of these responses were comments in my blog posts and some of them were emails. The desperation, helplessness, and self-blame are quite evident in these women’s responses.

Their words reveal the simple fact that you never know what goes on behind closed doors. What may seem like a happy marriage may in fact be an abusive one. I speak from personal experience.

Remember, just because women don’t talk about verbal abuse, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. There is a level of shame involved that prevents most women from speaking up about it — the idea that the husband is a reflection of herself — of her poor life choices — that she should just accept this as her fate. After all, didn’t she make the decision to marry him? She made her bed, now she needs to lie in it. But these are lies that we tell ourselves — and these lies are steeped in self-doubt and the absence of self-worth.

We need more stories like these to offer solace and support to fellow women who are suffering at the cruel words and actions of their husbands and partners.

These situations are far, far too common.

And you are not alone.

quote

quote2

quote5

quote3

quote4

quote6

quote7

This is just a taste of comments/emails I’ve received.

The more women talk about it, the more we can help and encourage one another.

If you have any insights or words of encouragement for these women, please don’t hesitate to leave a message in the comments.

Advertisements

My Husband Is Awesome. Is Yours?

Okay, so I’ve written a few blog posts on how husbands can be jerks and how to leave them.

I’ve had personal experience with this — unfortunately.

It seems silly to write a post about how to know your husband is awesome. You either know your husband is awesome, or you know he’s a jerk.

Sometimes your husband can be just “meh.”

I don’t think men should be constantly praised for things they SHOULD be doing. Like you know — being nice. I find it a bit grating when I read on Facebook the following:

My hubby is so awesome! He babysat the kids today so I could go to my doctors appointment and pick up some groceries!

Uh. Isn’t that what he SHOULD be doing? Also, a man taking care of his own children is not called “babysitting.”

But after writing a post about how crappy men can be, I must write about how awesome they can be. After all, I love men and I am married to one. I mean the man’s my best friend for Christ’s sake.

This post isn’t meant to be braggy (okay, maybe a little.) It’s a little self-reminder of how good I have it, and how every woman deserves to have the same kind of respect.  After reading some of the comments and the emails I’ve been getting, I felt it was necessary to share the amazing points of a good marriage. I’ve found that so many women second-guess their own feelings about their bad marriages. The pervading thought of these women (which may include you) is, “Well he DOES have SOME good qualities — even if he calls me a bitch.”

Ok. Well.

Let me tell you what a good marriage IS.

First of all. My husband’s name is Ernesto. And he’s the shit. See the awesome pic below.

374083_10151234275723077_1786129417_n

1. He encourages me to have time for myself.

He sees that I’m tired and tells me to lie down, read a book, watch TV, take a nap — you name it. The man will tell me to rest and say, “Babe, don’t worry. I’ll clean the kitchen and do the laundry. Just relax.” He understands that the household work is 50/50. It doesn’t matter that he works more hours — he knows this is a team effort. On top of that, he WANTS me to have my own hobbies — to have my downtime. He encourages me to write, draw, read, etc.

Mainly — he wants me to be happy.  If he see’s me getting a little wound up, he encourages me to take a nice long walk.

Okay, so maybe he encourages the walks so I’ll leave him alone and stop my bitching (I’m pregnant and hormonal), but hey — at least he wants me to get some fresh air!

2. He listens. He asks questions. He talks.

He fucking communicates.

We could literally talk for hours. One of our favorite pastimes is drinking wine and listening to music while playing Backgammon (this is us being wild and crazy, yo) — this scenario also includes a constant stream of conversation. We have endless things that we like to do together (unfortunately right now — for me — it’s just lying on the couch and watching TV because I’m pregnant and totes uncomfortable.)

3. The man doesn’t “babysit.”

No. The man actually takes care of his kids. He took on the fatherhood role when he came into my children’s life (my first two kids were from my ex) and then he enthusiastically took on the responsibility of raising our newborn together.

The newborn phase especially tested our patience with each other, but Ernesto never wavered in his commitment to do this parenting thing 50/50. He stayed awake at night bouncing a colicky baby, he assisted with feedings, he changed a million explosively shitty diapers — he was basically doing his job as a co-parent.

And just as another reminder. This is all shit that men should be doing. I’ve never taken it upon myself to constantly thank and praise him for all these things. All of these things are expected of him — and he in turn expects these things from me. It’s called parenting and marriage. But with that said, it’s nice to acknowledge all the wonderful things about my husband.

He’s just truly, an amazing, wonderful person.

I now must go as my kids just popped in the door from school.  I have to pay attention to them, you know.

But you get the gist of it.

Everybody deserves a loving, equal partner. Nobody should short-change themselves. Some marriages/partnerships divide the duties differently, but as long as you feel loved, respected and in love with your partner, then I think you’re set. Just make sure you’re doing all the same for him.

Follow on Bloglovin

If You Leave Your Husband, You’re Gonna Ruin Everything

I mean, YOU’RE the one who married him. You made this bad marriage bed — now it’s your duty to lie in it.

Your husband was just an innocent bystander trusting the fact that you loved him. It’s no wonder he’s so angry all the time. You mislead him.

You THOUGHT you loved him. He seemed like a decent enough guy. Now you’re fantasizing about leaving?

How selfish. How cruel. Poor guy, it’s not his fault. If he calls you names, you deserve it. He’s just frustrated. He’s just having a bad day. You need to be a good wife. You need to show your kids that you stand by your man no matter what.

Seriously. Are you having sex with him enough? Oh. Well there you go. That’s the problem. You need to show him you love him. Men have needs. Withholding sex is cruel you know. You really need to put your feelings aside here. It’s about him right now. Not you.

Remember. YOU married him. If you’re patient with him enough he’ll come around. I don’t mean to be cruel but that’s the reality.

Does the above bullshit sound familiar?

That’s what’s going through your brain, right? That it’s your fault? Well it’s not just you thinking this — it’s society. The amount of pressure that a woman has to endure to maintain a happy marriage is fucking bull shit.

I remember a time when I was at a party with my ex-husband when the cops showed up because of the noise level. My ex was almost black out drunk and he was getting really belligerent with the cops. He was in their face yelling and calling them pigs.

Guess what the cops did?

They turned to me and said, “Can’t you control your husband?”

I know, right? Sure, cops. All I have to say is the magic word and my husband will behave like an angel. I know this because I’m a woman and I’m magical. Yes, cops. It’s my fault and I apologize for my lack of control over my husband.

You know what, ladies? This is patriarichal bullshit. It’s time to turn that thinking around. If your man is misbehaving, it’s not your fault. If you tried to talk to him about your marriage and he didn’t listen, it’s not your fault. If he’s not respecting you, then he’s breaking his marriage vows. If he’s not trying to make the marriage work, then he’s not holding up his end of the bargain.

You, as an independent, autonomous person OF VALUE, can tell him that he’s not an active participant in the marriage and it’s over. Yes, it’s difficult when there’s children involved — I’ve been there, I know this — but believe it or not, it’s better for your children to see you stand up for yourself and leave then to stay in a sad, wasted marriage.

I cannot tell you how many emails and comments I’ve been getting where women are asking for help.

If marriage counseling is not working, or if he refuses to go — if he refuses to hear you — if you feel alone in your marriage — please do the following:

Get a pad of paper and a pen. Write down what would make you happy. Make a list. What do you want in life? A better education? A  better job? An understanding partner? A better life for your kids?

Don’t short-change yourself. Write down all of your desires.

Next write down all of your resources. This includes finances, trusted family members, and phone numbers to community resources.

Make a plan. Talk to people you can trust.

A plan that’s in place will help propel you forward.

Please continue to keep me updated, or contact me if you need to vent!

Much love to you ladies!

How To Leave Your Husband: A Follow-up

Verbal-Abuse-3-oYou ladies are breakin’ my heart.

Seriously. For reals.

Most of the traffic driven to this site are from the following search terms:

How to leave your husband

How to leave your husband with children and no money

Husband is a jerk

No money and mean husband

You ladies make me want to cry. Because I’ve been there. I know how helpless you feel.

I realize some of the resources I’ve posted previously have not been adequate. Therefore my project over the next week is to acquire resources, phone numbers, and links to assist you in your flight from your prison of a marriage.

Just to be clear, these posts are aimed at women in an environment where their spouse is causing verbal and/or physical abuse. If you’re not in that situation, please feel free to use these resources as well. A bad marriage is a bad marriage. Just remember — as I said previously — if you’re the jerk in the situation — OWN IT.

In addition, if you want to talk, please contact me. I’m no legal expert, but I can offer emotional support and a few words of encouragement.

I will try to post the resources within a week as I don’t want to leave you hanging too long.

Much love to you ladies and I truly wish you the best. I hope you find peace in your new journey.

Bitch Wants To Be Nice n’Shit

Nothing will make you feel more like a self-entitled schmuck than being a pregnant lady who feels sorry for herself.

It’s all stupid shit. Like, being pissed off at your husband because he can drink wine and you can’t (not that I’m against drinking wine in the third trimester — because I assure you — I WILL enjoy my wine in the third trimester.) Or getting angry at your husband for taking that one rare night to go hang out with a friend. Selfish? Yes. Irrational? Most definitely. Is pregnancy an excuse for my schmuckness? I really want to say yes — but — no. No, it’s not an excuse.

I got angry at my husband earlier this afternoon for something fucking stupid. Something dumb. And he looked at me with this sweet, incredulous look.

And I felt like a bitch.

So I looked at him out of the corner of my eyes and confessed.

I said, “I know I’m being irrational. I’m sorry. I’m angry and I don’t know why.”

And he rubbed my back and said, “I know, babe.”

I really need to work on being nice.

Nice.

Especially because I have a husband who’ll rub my back and look at me with his sympathetic brown eyes…

And still call me babe. No matter how horrible I’ve been.

How Not To Spend The Weekend

I bet you’re dying to know how not to spend the weekend. Just Dying.

So here you go.

Don’t spend it puking — then cleaning up your daughter’s puke — then cleaning up your son’s puke.

Don’t spend it being nauseated at the thought of food.

Don’t spend it being annoyed at your male co-worker who upon finding out you’ve been puking your guts up all night, starts laughing and asks if you’re pregnant. Haha. Yeah. Cuz that’s so funny, right?

Don’t spend it being offended at your two-year old sons rejection of your affections.

Seriously.

He’s two.

Don’t spend it being angry that your $1000 dining set has been scratched to oblivion by your oblivious but endearing husband as he attempts to re-string his guitars on the dining table. For hours. HOURS. Oblivious to the very fact that he is indeed covering 50% of the table in deep, jagged scratches and indentations.

I love him. I do. God, I love him.

But shit.

Don’t spend it working at your job, on a Sunday, trying to train a new nurse whilst you’re recovering from a stomach virus.

This only makes for a very long, very bad, terrible, awful day.

Don’t spend it comforting your 12-year-old son. On his birthday. As he pukes his guts up.

And don’t spend it being an ungrateful brat, who stomps around the house, hollering about how everything is a fucking mess, kicking toys across the floor and injuring your big toe in the process.

Because now.

Now.

The kids are in bed. You’re typing on the computer, enjoying the stillness. And your husband. Your lovely, bespectacled, plaid-shirt wearing husband is sitting on the couch next to you. Playing his bass guitar with the most heavenly look on his bearded face. And he’s happy.

So you’re happy.

Even though he fucked up the table.